Category: Weird Crimes
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Stop Eating Each Other!
Fellow civilized people of the world: Can we just make a pact right now? Can we just agree not to eat each other? Please. It’s getting ridiculous. And I don’t appreciate our government having to waste time and taxpayer dollars reassuring people that there’s not a zombie apocalypse happening. Although, I must say, the evidence…
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Dave Hester Better Stay Away from My Plants
You know what chaps my hide? I mean, besides plant vandalism, of which I was a victim this week. Not even sure that sentence is properly constructed. Anyway, I’ll get to the real point of my post in just a second, but first I want to yell for a minute about the lame thugs of…
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Hopefully a Weak Chin is Not a Sign of Evil
OK, this is how FOX News reeled me in. With a story on how chin implants are on the rise. I would totally get a chin implant. I have a very, very weak chin that is only becoming even less pronounced and soft with age. But I didn’t even get to read that story because…
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Buy Some Crafts, Save a Life
I got this flyer in the mail the other day. At first glance, it seems like a nice, innocent marketing flyer announcing the imminent arrival of spring and urging residents to consider shopping at some of the nearby shops (as if I need urging). There’s some flowers blooming, but instead of flower heads there’s some…
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Pulling Out the Big Guns
This is an (approximately accurate) excerpt of an actual conversation between me and my personal-chauffeur-for-life XFE at a gas station on Saturday morning, around 8 am. XFE (getting into the car after pumping the gas): Are you trying to kill me? Me (peering intently into my smart phone): No, why? XFE: You’re not supposed to…
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Swingers on Ketamine Make the Worst Party Hosts
Listen, I’m a girl who likes a party. Heck, I’m a girl who likes to find out about a birthday party secretly being planned for her (oh yes, that happened this weekend. As someone who cannot keep a secret, and hates surprises, I’m quite relieved and excited to find out about this surprise birthday party.…
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Shark Week is Apparently EVERY Week in Australia
The problem with planning your vacations far in advance (well, the problem with XFE and I planning our vacations far in advance) is that it gives one of us plenty of time to hyperventilate over any news story coming out of that vacation location. For example: My wanna-be-Crocodile-Dundee-boyfriend XFE and I are going to Australia in March…
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Five Stages of Porktober Acceptance
*WARNING: A pig was most definitely harmed in the making of this post. If you’re squeamish, skip this one. If you like tasty, delicious pork and all it’s derivatives, read on. There comes a time in every girl’s life when she realizes she is not in control of her relationship. She is not the driver…